Top 5 misconceptions about Bankers people have in general

Banking is as complicated as it is boring… yes I know the fact and can attest for it really well since I happen to work in one. Believe me, I am a commerce graduate, a third generation banker (a state banker precisely) and with around 5+ years of working experience and an overall analytical mind, but even I still find it complicated (and also boring) at times.  

 Everyone from a college student to a software engineer and rickshaw-walla happens to use banking services but not many people have a clear idea of what it actually is. Now this isn’t a paper presented to simplify banking as a whole for you because those are available dime a dozen. But as with politics, women’s rights, caste system and secularism, in India we have this amazing tradition of making up misconceptions about things we barely know and having those stick for years to come, without anyone bothering to ask the experts or in this day and age- do a google search. I have met people with double degrees and 3 years foreign working experience under their belt ask dumb questions like “How do I know I am actually being charged 9.5% on my loan? I mean the bank could be charging me 12% and showing lesser…” Apparently the person hasn’t grasped the concepts of accountability, RBI regulations, automated software without manual intervention and general trust in the banking industry. Surprisingly or rather unsurprisingly, this guy was a software engineer (am sorry but seriously you guys need to start knowing about stuff other than your own jobs) working at TCS. The very company that has designed banking software for SBI (my bank and boss) and was also involved in implementation of the software in the bank.

Now am not one of those overtly proud of their jobs kinda people, my love for Banking and my job in general is the same way a non-mumbaikar feels about local trains when he has shifted to Mumbai. It is annoying, irritating and frustrating to the point of wanting to shoot a few people, but yes, if you have to go through it every day, might as well try to enjoy it. I don’t really have that much of an attachment to banking to get riled up whenever people criticize bankers, but I am really against ignorance, hypocrisy and preconceived notions. If you work in a bank to top it in a nationalized bank and God forbid in SBI, you might have heard the following misconceptions thrown at you at one point or the other. This is a simple attempt to clear things up for anyone (whether educated or not) having these popular misconceptions about banking in general –

5. “Banker’s get a lot of holidays”

First of all yes, I agree, on paper we do get a lot of holidays. And I am not gonna go into a bullshit argument about how they deserve it etc. In spite of this being an article about bankers, I agree that no job is easy, especially in the service industry. Also that each job involves its own pressures etc. If it was up to me, all jobs, (except politicians) would have all the fucking holidays they can get. I am so lazy, I feel irritated even if someone else is working hard.  But having said that, in most public sector banks many employees are still working behind closed shutters. Sometimes not even for any monetary compensation. Some do it because they are scared into it by their superiors, some do it because they are actually inefficient and/or married to their jobs but most do it because there is so much work to be done yet not enough time.

If you think the bank closes at 4 and everyone goes home after calculating your cash, then congratulations! You have just figured out what the 1970’s/80’s banking looked like. In the age of computerization and increased accountability, not only workload but pressure to perform has increased. It is no wonder that most old bankers have high BP or heart problems. SBI also has a 30-40% attrition rate, meaning 30-40% new recruits join SBI just to get a 3 year work experience on their resume and walk out.

So yeah, bankers do get a lot of holidays on paper but sometimes spend them working at places 200-300 kms away from their homes. It was only recently that banking got a 2^nd and 4^th Saturday off in a month. Crucial govt. offices which actually determine the flow of development and welfare of the country have had them off for a long time.  Also, I have to use this meme here (TDK Reference! )-

In a country where Justice and Governance (our Supreme court and parliaments) two pillars of our democracy can get an entire month off plus all other public holidays (155 days a year in case of supreme courts) then why can’t banking get a few days off too?  In this day and age of ATM’s, CDM’s (that’s cash deposit machines...oh you didn’t know those existed? Good, now you do) Internet banking and Mobile banking, Do you really need to sweat out in a hour long line just to transfer 5000 rupees to Leela maasi in your native town?

4 “Tumhare yaha line bahut hoti hai”

Coming from the foreshadowing of the last para-graph, this one is absolutely true. Especially in case of SBI, we have all seen photos or actually lines stretching from the bank to a street corner. This isn’t a misconception in the strictest sense, but it is self-created problem though. Let me explain, let’s assume you are in a line of 50 people and lets say you have to send money to Leela maasi for her medicines or something .You had planned to get it done by 11:00 and go back to your office.  You have been standing there since the morning, the AC is barely working and the line is moving at a snail’s pace. You finally go through the motions just to reach the counter and have the counter-clerk shut the window on your face saying he has to go for lunch. It’s exactly 2:00 pm and you even request the guy to please accept just this one payment, but he denies you and goes off. Your entire day is ruined and you sit there waiting for him to come back. Looking at your watch every 5 minutes, wondering why it takes so much time for a human being to have lunch.

Now I admit the manners and one way punctuality of counter clerks, especially in SBI is an issue. But barring a few born assholes, most people are …well people and they have the same number of good and bad qualities as anyone in any other profession. Most people just want to give the best at their work and see a satisfied customer. Also, they have the normal needs of a human being and peeing and wanting to eat on time are a part of that. Also, you think you hate lines? You know who hates lines more than the customer? It’s the bankers! And not just because many of us feel empathetic to your situation, but also because no one wants to see a fuck load of work standing right in front of them all day long. Plus, irritation is an equation that increases exponentially with waiting time. This applies both for you and the employee. 

But it’s for this very reason, the bank provides you with a number of FREE alternate channels for you to carry out your day to day transactions. If you still stand in line like a village illiterate or a 70 year old pensioner, then YOU are a part of the problem. Not the bank. Don’t ask the bank to increase staff, use the number of facilities it offers you, so that you don’t even have to leave the comfort of your home. Also, for all those people especially middle aged people, who say they cannot use all this new technology like mobile banking etc. Remember how you learned to download porn videos of hot Asian teenage girls in like 2 days even when you hadn’t seen a smartphone for most of your life? Yeah…learning is pretty easy when you have the right motivation isn’t it?

3. “My taxes pay your salary!”

You get to hear this especially in a heated argument in many places in SBI. I have heard this argument from a farmer and a senior citizen at different places, both of which belonging to groups which absolutely do not pay any direct taxes. But it’s a cool argument to make right? I mean a nationalized bank is just like any other govt. dept. right? Like the melodramatically corrupt and lazy ones you see in movies? The answer is a resounding fucking ”NO!” Am not saying the staff isn’t lazy or in some cases even corrupt (although the level of corruption in banking is miniscule because they aren’t run by politicians with coffers to fill), What I am saying is that no matter how angry you feel about not having your ego satisfied by the bank employee, you do not pay his salary.

Bankers’ salaries are paid purely out of the bank’s profits. Bank employees work hard to earn their salaries and pensions just like all of you. Although the govt. has a majority stake and hence things like pension and salary are almost guaranteed in nationalized banks. I say ‘almost’ because with the increasing competition, bad loan write offs etc. The bank won’t be paying regular salaries to its employees if it runs into losses. No contract guarantees that. So, feel free to use this dialogue in a govt. dept. if you wanna feel satiated about being a crusader against lethargy and corruption, just know that using it in a nationalized bank is as wrong as calling someone from North-East India- “Chinese”. Not only is it offensive but it shows your utter stupidity more than anything else.

2. “Bank’s are rich/have a lot of money” or “Bank’s print money”

Again, I have found this misconception amongst even highly educated people. It’s such a cartoonish idea right, that we have all this money and when the doors are closed we probably swim in it Scrooge McDuck style. I mean you see it when you come to the bank right? Crores of cash being dealt with as casually as masons handling bricks. Well, do you know where that money comes from? And I ll seriously shoot any educated person who said that we print it…because obviously the RBI (Reserve Bank of India for that one dimwit who didn’t understand) is the only ‘bank’ authorized to print money in India. SBI even though being a quasi-govt. bank does NOT print any kind of money. In case you aren’t aware, currency is not something which RBI or any central banking authority in any country can just print to make the country rich. Money has to be printed based on something right? Ever wondered who and how the amount of cash to be maintained in an economy is determined? At this moment, out of many of you reading this, even some with 20 lakhs an year packages or degrees from topmost colleges are giving it a thought…well for those who don’t know, I have got two words – “Gold Standard” (Google it, am not gonna spoon feed you)

Also, if we don’t print money, you know who all that money belongs to? It belongs to you! I mean not you individually, you couldn’t manage to have earn that much unless you get into politics. But by you, I mean You- the people. See we don’t put our money on the line when we give a loan, some of it is ours, but without complicating it too much, let me tell you the simple formula of core traditional banking summed up in one line, stripped of all its confusing terms and jargon – We take your money and give you some interest on it (deposit accounts) and we lend someone else money and charge interest at a slightly higher rate on it (loans). The difference between the two interests is our profit. So the money you see just belongs to all of you. Also, there are specific branches of nationalized banks, called- Currency chest branches, where RBI deposits its minted cash, to be circulated among general public. That cash, is the RBI’ property, not ours. To put it in a simplistic manner, Bank’s are rich in the sense jewellers are rich. Although, Jewellers have a lot of gold, it’s just a product that they sell. (Disclaimer- Yes I know that analogy isn’t completely accurate, because jewellers can actually own that much of gold etc etc. I just had to finish this entry with an analogy, so whatever)

1.“Banking job is easy” or “There isn’t much work to do in banks”

This is the number one misconception regarding Banking industry and has been so since a long time. But actually this one isn’t just about banking. This is the “hell is other people” or “grass is greener on the other side” of the working industry, everyone thinks the others have an easy job. While some undoubtedly do have easier jobs where they don’t have to answer to anyone and still earn money without actually doing anything like being a corrupt politician or Rajdip Sardesai. But everyone’s job come with their own set of challenges and pressures. Just because someone has more holidays or better financial compensation doesn’t make it any bit easier. They get better financial compensation because more often than not they are taking more of a risk to do so.

Let’s tackle this notion bit by bit. First of all, what do we think of as an “easy” job? One that involves least hard-work? Let’s look at what hard-work means…when someone says the word – Hard-work, what image comes to your mind? I bet most of you thinking about someone toiling in the fields, or lifting some heavy load, or working in a mine or a factory. See the thing is, we as a species still associate the idea of ‘hard’ work with physical labour…because it’s easier to picturize and hence relate to. Is it any wonder that all over the world, we have these romanticized images of the farmer toiling in his field or a miner hacking away at impenetrable rock as symbols of hard-work?  Images so idolized that they became a part of the iconography of the whole socialist revolution. Even today in our movies and books etc., accountants, lawyers and bureaucrats are presented as those pen pushers who don’t actually do any kind of actual work.

Now am not saying that the life of a civil engineer designing a building in an AC office is as bad as the sweeper who cleans it, what I am saying that his life isn’t complete heaven too. There is a reason that one of them is paid more. And that reason is not just dumb luck. One of the reasons is specialized knowledge, the engineer’s skills are not easily replaceable and secondly it’s that he has to take the risk in designing a building and if he makes one mistake, multiple lives, including those of many other sweepers like the one in that office will be in danger. The worst the sweeper can do is misplace the mop or miss a spot. Although his work is gruelling and tiresome and his salary is not enough to sometimes pay college fees of his children, the engineer could get arrested and thrown in jail if the buildings fire standards are not up to date or it crumbles due to wear and tear earlier than expected.

So, there is a reason why the general is paid more and given more comfort than the soldiers he commands…his skill and the stake of his decision making are much higher than others. 
In the same way, if you feel Bankers are paid higher for a seemingly easy desk job, it’s the risk involved that justifies the salary. To that lecturer who feels that banker’s just count money and go home, tell me the next time you have to authorize a one crore rupee cash withdrawal or when political activists surround you in your office demanding that you finance one of their people under a govt. scheme (when you clearly know who is really gonna benefit from it) or when you have to move from village to village to recover Rs.3000/- or so from ‘debt-ridden’ farmers (with SUV’s parked in front of their houses). Bankers have to have knowledge of any manufacturing process and its related market before financing a loan or they are personally accountable. If your job doesn’t involve getting charge-sheeted because of a mistake you might not even have committed 20 years ago, then your job is pretty damn easy. If the worse you can do is fuck up a line of software code, then your job is actually less risky.

If you think Bankers are paid all these allowances like house rent etc. Just know that they have to be transferred from one place to the other every 2 years and most spend half of their lives being around 300-500 kms away from their families. The two Saturday’s per month banks started getting off from last year? Those came in place because not only do all banks world over have 5 day weekends but also because the bank employees fought for their right to take a little time off. Also, if you still think bankers are overpaid, just know that a railway counter clerk with no other job than issuing tickets earns more for limited working hours than a scale 2 bank officer with the loan sanctioning power of upto 10 lacs and no set working hours. 

I agree that without farmers, workers, soldiers etc. The economy won’t exist. And neither would banking and the need for it. But since we are here, don’t forget that if you are able to buy your own house or car before you are 50 years old it’s only because the banking industry gets you a loan. The farmer is free of atrocious debt of the zamindars only because bankers incur losses to still finance them. So, next time you see a tired, counter clerk with his shoulders down and miserable expression on his face, it may not be because bank employees are just like that, it may be because being in the service industry in general is hard, and dealing with relationships, with people is far more complicated than dealing with crores of rupees...

Ok at least banking isn't this bad

Changing with The Times..bye bye TOI

Changing with The Times…

Sorry if that Headline seems like a cheap shot headline that Times of India (TOI) would use 543212 times and would still continue to do so afterwards, but since I do wanna speak about India’s largest circulated English daily, it seems more than apt.

Just like most Indians, TOI was the first English paper that I read. I remember while growing up in Aurangabad, that we only used to get a Marathi paper and our downstairs neighbours used to get TOI. I remember wanting to read the paper just because of Garfield primarily. Later my father started ordering TOI but only the Sunday edition. Now I am not a creature of habit, I couldn’t exercise or study regularly if there was a gun to my head. But this is where I developed this one fixed habit that I would never give up on, reading the Times in the morning for at least an hour without being disturbed. I would also grow on to have my only male chauvinist demand ever as a side effect to this ritual- having my cup of Bournvita handed over to me while am reading my paper.

Soon cups of Bournvita turned to cups of tea and coffee, the focus changed from the Garfield, Beetle, Hagar the Horrible to Sports and to Business pages but the habit never changed. My father, appreciating me and my brother’s enthusiasm, started ordering TOI daily. This was a time when internet was all dial up connections etc. and Nokia was the only phone known to mankind. Growing up in a town like Aurangabad which used to receive the earlier day’s TOI Mumbai edition, reading TOI was like a connection to the world, to bigger cities like Mumbai and Pune, to the wit of Jug Suraiya and Bachi Karkaria, to RK Laxman’s brilliant satirical cartoons to movie reviews (and ahem...’glamorous’ pics of actresses and models) and to reviews of books we wouldn’t get to read unless we went to Pune to buy them cheaply off the streets. It was such a sacred institution for me that I used to look down upon anyone who read *rolls eyes* Lokmat times- the local English daily-, it was almost like TOI gave you a certain elitist standard.

Maybe it was like that, because TOI has always been this class defining paper. This line of difference between good English speaking people and aspiring ‘Vernac’ people, you know the kinds who used to take ‘spoken english’ classes and introduce themselves with the words ‘Myself…’ in formal interviews and discussions. I don’t mean this to be a good thing, but this is how it was even after the introduction of broadband internet and how it continues to be in somewhat smaller way still. You either read the Times or you aspired to read it. That is how it is in an English worshipping society like ours and doesn’t come as a surprise for a paper with a 200 year old legacy. Coupled with the owners classy British sounding name of “Bennett Coleman Ltd”  , houses with regular TOI subscriptions are (or rather were ) considered classy households.  

I was such a defender of TOI that reading any other newspaper like the Indian Express or Hindu was a sacrilege. People who didn’t read TOI or rather expressly declared their affiliation for other papers seemed like the same people who don’t like Mangoes or Puran poli. I mean you do have the right to your taste, but it is shitty taste, is what I felt.  Even after, TOI started glamifying itself (I know that’s not a word, but hey if the Times can stoop down to using tabloid language in its articles, so can I) I still stood by it, thinking something on the lines of “Hey I know it’s not that good but what do you expect me to do? Start reading Deccan Chronicle or some shit?”

After we shifted to Pune, getting TOI on the same day was an added blessing. Even after I had to travel frequently because of my job I used to read The TOI on their mobile site on multimedia phones and then still continued to do so on their app on android smart phones. Whether I woke up after an electricity-less, mosquito infested night in Nanded or caught a crowded local in Mumbai, TOI was the first go to source for news. I suffered through their countless Indian liberal (which means solution-less cry babies) leaning articles or their frequent bias towards Marathi politics (Thackeray and co are sectarian hooligans, Karunanidhi and co are proud Tamilians) or not even mentioning names of movies which the Times group wasn’t promoting (For e.g “Akshay Kumar’s recently released  movie is doing well in theatres”) or giving not less than 3 stars to the movies it was promoting (Do you remember a movie called Mumbai Mirror, a terrible cop movie starring Sachiin Joshi?...well TOI gave it 3 and a half stars.)…but I still stood by it. I stood by when TOI shamelessly promoted its own initiatives (Rahein or the Times festival or Times Lit-festival) as news or landmark moments… But still I stood by it. When The Times glorified Mumbai blast accused Yakub Menon as a martyr in the headline while Dr. Kalam received a much smaller column…perhaps more out of habit than anything else, I still stood by it.

I still stood by The Times when it glorified mentally sick sadistic psychopaths like Arundhati Roy, Sagarika Ghose or popularity seeking polemics like Shobha De as conscience keepers of rational thought, polluting minds of entire generations into thinking that taking anti-establishment stand is the only way to be progressive. That anyone whose vocabulary doesn’t include the words like ‘poignant’ or ‘intellectual’ is not capable of sound political thinking but is also orthodox and culturally bankrupt. That anyone who calls himself a Hindu and is proud of his heritage, is as dangerous as a member of Al-Qaeda. Also that idealism is what we should strive for, that realism shouldn’t play any role in politics. That socialism bred and brainstormed in a kitty party over cocktails and starters is the best service to society. If you want to find the reasons as to how practical and inclusive secularism turned to idealistic, exclusive and imbalanced ‘sickularism’ in India, am sure TOI is one of the main reasons.

But do I have a problem with a paper having particular political leanings? Yes I do, but still I can take it. I am not like a Dalit intellectual to hate something just because it doesn’t fit in my point of view. I don’t mind if you lean openly towards one side of the debate but as long as you do it openly and at least have some rationale, I can accept it. I don’t mind anyone having an agenda, what I don’t like is such people having a pretence of being impartial or balanced. That is what ticks me off the most. These days each and every news item you see in TOI, seems more or less biased but without openly declaring it to be so. But then again, I still stood by The Times.

As you might have guessed by the flow of the article, now comes the twist, the grand reveal of why I am about to give up on TOI, yes it will come, but not yet and not for the reasons you think. Firstly, yes I am slightly more right leaning than others, which does not mean am a “bhakt” or a “sanghi” I just think Indian version of socialism sucks. Also, I think that Modi govt. is doing a decently good job and apart from one or two stupid religious issues, I do not have any problems with it. They are bringing about the kind of development that is measurable in practical terms and while the BJP is not the ideal party to be in charge of a developing nation wanting to become a developed one, but it is practically the better choice. I mean who would you rather have in charge? Rahul? Nitish? Mamta? Also, until we as a society give up on casteism and populist politics, we should stop expecting our leaders to be better. So, I am just like majority of you people with their own political opinion, who even though leaning towards one set of ideas or the other, is not consumed by it.

But then what has all this got to do with TOI? Well, No am not quitting on The Times for being “sickular” or whatever, I don’t read news to get a political perspective…what I want with my news, is just that, plain old boring news. Like how DD or BBC are still the most respected news channels because they just report the news without colouring it one way or the other. So what if it’s airing socialist or leftist views you ask me? Well, the reason I hate TOI now is because it doesn’t have any leanings, it doesn’t have any loyalties whatsoever. How did I jump to that conclusion? I didn’t jump to it… just like a habit that got built up over the years, the resentment also did. Too often has TOI jumped from one issue to the other…too often, have I seen blatant displays of commercial journalism. The once favourite Sunday supplement now just looks like a catalogue for commercial advertisements and bland articles.

What most people don’t know is that Bennett Coleman is only the name of the co. which owns the paper, it has been run by the Sahu Jain family since the 50’s…and over the course of last 40 years, the family has shown real ethical standards by being embroiled and jailed in multiple money laundering scams. The image of the Times of India, as a sacred institution run by a fearless set of journalists should fall flat then and there in anyone’s mind.

The TOI these days runs columns by the likes of Aakar Patel (who is he? I doubt even his mother remembers dumping out that shit spawn) who once wrote a column wrote about how Hindutva-wadis are “ugly” and by that he didn’t mean metaphorically ugly, he meant fat, smelly, unkempt and ugly. I am not lying, he did actually write it. I have seen more sensible writing on bathroom walls. But what is surprising is that a 200 year old newspaper which challenged Indira Gandhi’s emergency, published such a petty article. What if somebody had replaced the word Hindutva-wadi with Muslim or any other word? Would Times publish it? Forget about that, TOI in the name of appearing balanced, publishes articles by Swarup Dasgupta, who writes right leaning stuff. There is nothing wrong with publishing contrasting point of views, but somehow it feels like TOI trying to pander to all audiences. Every headline they print reeks of sensationalism. It is not a newspaper, a voice of the people any more, it is a media conglomerate looking to sell more papers. . It’s not just me, The Times trust rating fell from 88 in 2013 to 174 in 2014 according to the Brand Trust Report. Also, when you start giving Chetan Bhagat the status of a regular serious writer, you know how low you have stooped.

 Well, it is at this point, I must thank my elder brother and my childhood friend turned journalist for nudging me to other papers like The Hindu or The Indian Express and Hindustan Times. I set aside my TOI ego, I gave the others a chance and even though they are not perfect standards of incorruptible journalism, they do tend to have more sincerity to them. There seems less stress on selling and more on reporting. While, I can’t say that other papers don’t have a propaganda on mind but at least they don’t appear to be as commercialized as TOI is. Being in a relationship with TOI is like being in a toxic relationship, sure we can pretend it’s going well, but one is going in a different direction and only wants to be with the other because of the money.

So, I guess this is it, it was fun while it lasted, I am quitting on TOI. Although I won’t urge you to do the same because this is a personal goodbye to a once best friend.  To conclude again in a very TOI like way, the Times they are a-changing… and it’s time for me to change too. 

Why the Awardwaapsi people are absolutely right or The 10 commandments of tolerance.

Yes, all those intellectuals and writers and artists, and Narayan Murthy and Raghuram Rajan are totally right. There is a atmosphere of intolerance and hatred in our country, while some would argue , there always has been so since we officially became a nation (Anti-Brahmin riots post Gandhi's assassination, Large scale evacuation of Kashmiri Pandits from their homeland, anti Hindi riots in South India, Anti South Indian sentiment in Maharashtra, Mandal Comission strife between castes, Anti Sikh Riots after Indira's assassination, 1989 Bhagalpur riots, 1992 riots, 1993 blasts, Ahmedabad, Baroda, Gharvaapsi, etc. etc. ) but obviously we are on the verge of chaos. Modi Sarkar has done nothing but bring us to a pre-Nazi Germany stage, where we are one step away from being a racist totalitarian state.
Yes situation is that bad, that if we don't actively do something about Modi govt. now, it will totally start its mind control violence machine that it has secretly built in a RSS underground base and we will all be murder-raping each other over alleged pieces of cow meat. (what? you didn't know that there was such a machine?? there obviously is, ask any secular 'krantikari', they will totally agree.) We are currently having weird sex, worshipping false idosls, and in a general state of debauchery and sin. Just like how the Hebrews were in the Old testament after crossing the Red sea. Moses had to bring the Ten commandments to bring about some discipline and sense. I suggest we all should come together and after returning our respective awards, (I am gonna return a consolation prize, I received in 3rd Std in a drawing contest),start fighting against intolerance with these 10 commandments-

1) Thou Shalt have all Gods equally-  Just like how Christian missionary ('convent' in Indian context) are allowed to teach stories and prayers from the Bible, all other schools should be allowed to teach their respective religious denominations to everyone. This way we ensure students get to know other religions and also pray together.

2)Thou Shalt not have any Holy Idols- To have true freedom of speech, we must be able to criticize any historical figure we want without fear of retribution. It must be allowed to criticize Dr. Ambedkar to the same extent to which Savarkar is criticized by the Dalits. Anybody should be allowed to say anything about Shivaji Maharaj, Gandhi or Periyar. Dalit Panther propaganda should receive equal criticism for their idiotic theories as much as RSS does for its illogical interpretation of history. People should be able to draw Prophet Mohammed and the Sahabiyan, the same way M F Hussain paints Hindu Gods and Goddesses.

 3) Thou Shalt kill meat the right way- Coming to the meat of the matter (No way, am not apologizing for that cheap pun), Pork just like beef should be openly marketed and allowed to sell, wherever possible, including Muslim dominated areas. Hindus should also allow beef shops in their areas too.  Halal Meat (where an animal is slowly bled to death) shouldn't be the default choice of meat being served in any restaurant/fast food chain. Sikhs and many North Indians who eat meat consider Halal as Kutha meat and are not permitted to eat it. Restaurants should offer a choice before serving meat.

4) Thou Shalt totally love thy neighbor- Every builder/home owner has to have a clause in their sale deed, that states they will compulsorily lend/sell houses to Muslims in their projects. Muslims shouldn't be cordoned off to separate areas of any city. They are not diseased people to be quarantined. They should absolutely be allowed to live amongst everyone else.

5) Honor thy merit- Poverty is the only criteria of backwardness in today's world. (nope am not gonna elaborate or debate this further. It just has to happen. Period.)

6) Thou Shalt not covet a caste based and/or fair spouse- Caste based marriage portals should be banned. Indian parents shouldn't be allowed to interfere in their child's choice of life partner. Also, anyone seeking 'a fair girl' should be drowned to death in a vat of Fair and Lovely. Also, Fair and Lovely should be banned. Homosexuality to be legalized.

7) Media shalt not bear False Witness to anything- The media being the peoples voice and the fourth pillar of democracy, should not be biased against perceived right wing politicians. Leftists and Marxists should get as much scrutiny and ridicule as any religious zealots. Media should only report the news not create it. Good job done by any govt. regardless of its political inclination must not only be appreciated but celebrated. Media must understand that although Murder and hunger are incidences which need to be reported, there are also other good things like peace and victory over hunger that need the spotlight too.

8)  Thou shalt not ban alcohol and sexuality - All dry days and dry states need to be banned. Alcohol is as much a part of freedom of choice as is beef.  If you are going to argue about it not being something which is necessary to live, then neither is beef. Also, all the fucking right wingers should be made to read Kama Sutra a 1000 times and made to visit Khajuraho and Ellora before protesting about "ashleelta" and taking false pride in "Humari Sanskriti"

9) Remember thy History (correctly)- How many of us know about the extent of Maratha Empire post Shivaji Maharaj? Of how and why Alexander the so-called 'Great' stopped his expanding empire on the border of India? Why are we not taught about the ideologies of Bhagat Singh and Netaji as much as we are about Satyagraha? Why do we know more about Mughal empires than Ashoka or Maurya? History must be taught in a balanced manner. Am not saying we should only highlight our victories, but I am totally saying we should do exactly that. For too long, we have been taught history of our defeat, of our enslavement. History must taught to inspire a generation to be even better than before, not be depressed about our past.

10) Thou shalt get accustomed to the stench if thou can't clean the gutter- That's it. not much explanation needed. If you aren't ready to clean up your own mind, no Modi or Indira or (insert next popular politician name here) sarkar is gonna help you.

So can we do it? can we stop discriminating against others based on their surname? Can we stop cracking Sardar Jokes? If no then, why is it not ok to crack jokes against all other communities and portray them as dumb and simplistic? Can everyone (and I mean everyone, Delhiwaalahs, Bengalis, Goans, Maharashtrians, Gujratis etc. even Jharkhand people) stop hating Biharis coz they cant find jobs in their God-foresaken shitty shitty (yes that's two shitty's) state? Can a Marathi politician make a statement about Marathi pride without being portrayed as biased by the media? Can we all solemnly swear to completely embrace rationalism and stop blindly following every Guru-baba there was, is or will ever be?  Can we have a uniform civil code for all religions equally?

Yes or no? as much as you would wanna say yes, the answer in practice will always be no...a big NO. So until, you cant openly scream the answer out as YES! don't come barking to me about how this sarkar is intolerant. We elected them and the ones before them. They aren't a race of aliens we choose to lead us, they are from amongst us. We become ministers and activists and reporters. So until we improve ourselves, no amount of awards returned can bring about tolerance. A govt. is supposed to bring about development, not change hearts. That's up to you.

"You are weak if you feel the need to be led" - Doug Stanhope.
 

Why you shouldn't be proud of Maharashtra

Why you shouldn’t be proud of Maharashtra?

Nope this is not one of those articles, where I seek to be in the limelight by writing upon an unnecessarily controversial point of view, without even actually believing in it totally. Who do you think I am? Shobha De? She should learn to shut up her ‘kitty party- page 3’ mouth occasionally. I mean freedom of speech is fine, but douchebaggery can’t be cured by freedom of speech.  I mean it’s not a crime to hold an unpopular point of view, but you can’t be the one to hold an unpopular point of view, every damn time and also De doesn’t look the sort to actually believe in whatever she propagates.

But this article is not about her and others of her likes, it is about you and me and Us (I guess you + me = Us, so yeah), the common everyday Marathi person.

Nope am not gonna say Maharashtrian, because that’s the dumbest thing ever. If something of Punjab is Punjabi or of Bengal is Bengali, then anything of Maharashtra , whether be it in English or any other language is by definition Marathi (Marathi here includes any and everyone who is proud of residing in Maharashtra and has some loyalty towards it. So if you are let’s say a Sindhi who can speak the language a little bit at least and respect Marathi culture, in my eyes you are Marathi) What do you call someone or something that belongs to Karnataka? Whether be it in English or Hindi or Marathi, anything that is from Karnataka is not ‘Karnatakian’ its Kannada. So moving on, why am I saying that you shouldn’t be proud of Maharashtra...nope it’s not the farmer suicides either. Punjab and Andhra have equal problems on that front, while it isn’t something to brush aside, it is not the reason I am saying you shouldn’t be proud of Maharashtra.

‘Oh yeah’..now you are thinking, that this is one of those double re-enforcement kinda things, where in just like a clichéd bollywood movie father says about her daughter’s chosen guy or what reality show judges try to build suspense upon but fail because now it has become the oldestest trick in the book- ‘Mujhe yeh pasand nahi aaya..(wait for unnecessary pause)..mujhe bahut pasand aaya!’..But sorry to disappoint you..am not one of those hyper proud mostly politically aligned assholes with stickers on their car that change the ‘mala garva aahe Marathi asnyacha’ quite outrageously to ‘mala maaz aahe Marathi asnyacha’ which goes to show that if you have to openly declare that you are arrogant than the foundation of your pride is false and vain.

I am saying You shouldn’t be proud of Maharashtra because of this stand up act I saw by Doug Stanhope...drunken anarchic genius who seems to be so crazy that he actually makes sense.  In his own controversial yet courageous no-holds barred mode, Stanhope once did an act wherein he said that being proud of one’s history and culture and celebrating it, is just celebrating what someone else did, a few hundred years ago. He goes on to hilariously establish the point by enacting two drunk redneck Americans, talk about how America saved France’s ass in world war -2 and how its pointless because they had no actual part in it etc etc.

And he is right to some extent, I mean it even feels my chest with pride, when I hear about how a 16 year old Shivaji Maharaj conquered a fort with some of his buddies, or how Dnyaneshwar faced mountains of criticism since his birth yet traveled extensively almost till Punjab, spreading wisdom, fighting irrationality and he summarized the Geeta in a simpler language and took Samadhi all before reaching 21...but having said that, what do we have to be proud of, when all we did when we were 16 or 17 was discover the joys of pornography and masturbation. Am not saying all of us were unproductive pieces of shit, but still even if we were doing something constructive, what have we done to be proud of the acts of others, in whose region we seem to have just had the lottery-luck to have been born. Why should we be proud of their actions? It’s a bit like being Rahul Gandhi, just having been born in a family with a few great people, doesn’t necessarily make us one of them does it?

What does this pride give us? Does dancing and riding down the roads on Ambedkar and Shiv Jayanti makes us worthy of their great heritage? Is this the pride we are talking about?   Before I come across like an angry 50 year old socialist, lemme say, I am not advocating that we all give up our jobs, wear swadeshi and become farmers or give up the money we spend on eating out to the poor. I am not a crazy idealist. Besides, who do you think I am?  Sharad pawar? to shamelessly preach what I can’t and don’t practice.

But talking about Marathi pride, we as Marathi people, tend to be on extreme ends of this issue. Either we are so proud that we post statements like these which I saw on one of my friends FB page “Valentine chya divshi Makada-wani, Gulaab gheun phirnyapeksha, Shiv Jayanti la talwar gheun phira” yeah..I know it’s dumb as anything. There is so much dumbness in there, I am gonna take a few minutes to deconstruct that for you. 

First of all, who goes around carrying roses like a reverse beggar, to give to any girl that one sees on Valentine’s day?  I mean no matter how lonely you are, no one does that. Also, when has anyone seen a monkey carry a Rose around? Also, what the hell are you gonna do when carrying around a sword on Shiv Jayanti? How does that pan out? If you are gonna actually seek and out cut down terrorists (remember I said terrorists and not Muslims, if your mind made that connection then you have problems you need to work out. Not me. ) and corrupt politicians and govt. Officers...then hell yeah lets go and do that! ...Am always ready for some violent uprising against a corrupt system. But, if you are just gonna go around wielding swords on Shiv-Jayanti, how does that help anyone? Or even pay respects to the memory of Shivaji Maharaj?

This kinda thinking is an example of false arrogant pride that I was talking about. Other practical examples include irrational violence as perpetrated by MNS or Shiv Sena or any other organization.  One that gives a chance to news organization all over India, to always sweep the real reasons behind the outrage under the carpet of regional chauvinism.

But coming to the other  end of the argument, we also have people, who being Marathi are so un-marathi, so unaware of their own identity, that you wouldn’t know they belonged to the land of strong, determined men and women like Savarkar, Tilak, Babasaheb, Jijau and Muktabai etc. These are the ones who even though good natured and all, don’t really have that style or the fire in them to market their language and defend their culture as well as they should...or just to be even proud of their own heritage.

I mean what does Tandoori Tikka have that Mutton Rassa can’t top? So why isn’t Rassa as culturally popular?  Why can’t it be made known, that in spite of whatever so-called brave exploits that Rajasthani Rajputs are proud of, they were the ones to surrender to the Mughals (with only a few exceptions) and it was the Marathas who were the first and only Hindu powers to actually lay siege to Delhi, yet come to its help whenever needed. It was the Marathas that broke the mighty Mughal empires back. That planted the first Hindustani flags over Attock and Peshawar after a thousand years. The reason why Maharashtra doesn’t have as many palaces as Rajasthan or Delhi is because we didn’t have the luxury of enjoying because we were busy in the words of the great Bajirao Peshwa ‘at striking at the trunk so that the branches were falling by themselves’.  Why is it that we don’t know that the Mughals were only titular heads of India when the British came? Why is it that we can’t proudly say that  we are the most forward thinking state thanks to the multitude of social reformers like Tilak, Ambedkar, Savarkar, Ranade, Karve, Agarkar, Phule, Shahu Maharaj, Eknath maharaj, Tukaram maharaj, Gadge Baba etc?  Why is it that Bengalis are proud of their fish and the Delhi-wallahs of their food, when we can’t be proud of growing the king of fruits- the Hapoos in our own backyard? Did you know that a recent observations stated publicly by TOEFL stated that Marathi people are the best at speaking non-accented English? If Tamil people take pride in their language, why can’t we take pride in our own?

The answers to those questions are two things- one being although being good natured, strong, hard working etc. we have never been good at marketing ourselves. There are exceptions but not many. We have always been good at getting work done, in the normative sense of it, but not seeking credit for it. This has somehow become a generalized attitude, while it’s great at getting work done without having ego issues involved, it tends to make us forget our own strengths.  Secondly and sadly, I feel it’s the regionalism at work in Maharashtra itself. I mean let’s accept the fact that traditionally, at least since the state was formed, it’s been western Maharashtra, because of the urban centres like Pune and Mumbai, and the fertile regions of Kolhapur, Satara, Sangli etc. and to some extent Konkan region, that has held influence over all of Maharashtra. Hence, regions like Khandesh, Marathwada, Vidarbha have always been forgotten.  

So for example when anyone from Mumbai is asked about Marathi cuisine, what the fuck does he know beyond Vada Pav, Misal Pav and Malwani seafood ...Pav (yes, Mumbaikar’s eat too much pav. Might as well start having sea food with  pav too) At max, his knowledge extends to Kolhapuri Tambda- Pandhra Rassa and puran poli. But what about the Saoji Cuisine? Or kala masala preparations of Marathwada? Or Shev Bhaji and Mutton from Khandesh ? Moving on from the food, How many of us know the forts beyond the ones in the Sahyadris? Or of beautiful sanctuaries of Vidarbha? Or that Godavari water from Maharashtra is used by like 90% of brewers to make beer? Or that Nashik is known globally as India’s wine capital? (yes, I know that most of my examples are about food, sorry can’t help it)

I know it’s a large state but it sure as hell helps when you can brag about having awesome tourist places from Mughal replica of Taj Mahal to shrines of nationally renowned saints of all faiths to few of the best colonial era buildings to forts to ancient caves to undiscovered sea costs to 3 Jyotirlinga temples to tiger sanctuaries. I mean shit Gujarat promotes tourism like anything and they don’t have beer! We have all the tourist sites one could want and also the awesomely cheap yet insanely classy, exclusively in Maharashtra, London Pilsner beer. How many of us are proud of that? (LP is a thing to be proud of)

So let’s say you have done all this, acquired as much knowledge as possible about your own state, marketed it well, how does this pride still help? Is it really sectarian to be proud of your own state? Does it make us divisive? Let me give you one small example, about why Marathi people are the least bit sectarian. Traditionally, it has always been the norm that whatever region the railway ministers belongs to, gets the most number of new projects/ trains. When Mamta was there, we get Bengali named “Duranto” trains...when Lalu was in power, Bihar got many Garib Raths...so on and so forth. So when, Suresh Prabhu became Railway minister, it was assumed that Maharashtra would finally get going on long pending projects like the Solapur Jalgaon line, Pune Nashik line, Panvel CST fast corridor etc. But what happened? To my initial disappointment yet later understandung, Prabhu went for the overhaul of the entire railways instead of regional appeasement. Just like many more before him, he saw the big picture rather than instant gratification.

 So when any news organization or even else says that we can be regionalist...don’t worry every region in India is the same. Tamil people won’t have Hindi boards and have even had Anti-Hindi riots and other leades like C N Annadurai and Periyar propagating the greatness of the Tamil culture, yet they were offended when Balasaheb used to speak about Marathi pride...the Kannadas have actually taken to making Belgaum their second state capital, when Mangalore should have been the one, just to finally stamp out any Marathi influence there etc. The media is somewhat biased towards this issue as well. If people are fiercely proud of their culture and expect others to respect the same, then its regional pride. If the same happens in Maharashtra or especially in Mumbai, then

 Please realize that am not saying  be overtly proud of being Marathi and hate everyone else, but don’t be cowed down by biased criticism either.

But it again brings us to my original point..why shouldn’t you be proud of being in Maharashtra? It’s simple, what’s the use of all this mere pride, if  you aren’t getting inspiration from it do make our better? To lead by example as we have always lead, To implement the principles of Shivaji and Tilak and Babasaheb in our day to day life. To truly make this state, an even better, truly a ‘Maha-rashtra’ We must strive to be the best, not by demeaning others but taking them with us. To show others of what excellence truly is, inspite of all the adversity in the world.  Let me just say that Maharashtra isn’t just a state...

It flows as much from the throne of Shalivahan, as it does from the waters of Godavari..It stands tall, determined and strong, as much from the Swarajya of Shivaji as it does in the form of Sahyadris...its present in every word, every philosophical verse of Eknath, Namdeo, Dnyaneshwar, Tukaram..present in the strengthening words of Ramdas, in the simplicity of Sai baba and Gadge Maharaj as much as it is the temples of Pandharpur, Ghrishneshwar, Jejuri etc. It flows from the Arabian sea, just like the tide upon tide of attacks unleashed by the Peshwas upon the Mughals from Malwa upto Attock and Delhi....it was there when Savarkar traversed the waters of Marseilles, there when he got caught and still didn’t give up, it was there when Lokmanya Tilak renewed the struggle for Swarajya, when Babasaheb sought to liberate the people’s minds, as much as it does in the rivers, forts and forests...in every crevice it resides, from a where a Babu Genu or a Vinoba Bhave are born... It’s seen in the carved statues of Ellora and Ajanta, as much in the words of P L Deshpande and Kusmagraja...in the debt, despair yet undying passion of Dadasaheb Falke, in every stroke of Gavaskar and Tendulkar, in the melodious voices of Asha and Lata, in the soul capturing voices of Pt. Bhimsen Joshi, Vasantrao and others, it’s the fuel  in the pride and fire of Balasaheb Thackeray.. it is the cries and screams of the 105 who were killed by their own, in the struggle to call it their own..Maharashtra is not just a state, it is the blood that flows within you..a philosophy that states that giving up and accepting is never an option...that the impossible is nothing but that which we haven’t given a shot at yet..Never Back Down..Jai Maharashtra.

Game of Thrones - Maharashteros

Brace yourselves, a new govt. is coming to Maharashteros…and even though a stable predictable election might have been good for the state, but thanks to swollen egos, a hunger for power, family rivalry and ruthless politics, the road to it was very entertaining, almost as good as a story.

While a comparison of the situation to the Game of Thrones is just inevitable, it just goes to show the greatness of the books and the show and ultimately author George R R Martin, who managed to make a fantastical story involving Dragons, Ice-zombies etc. so damn realistic enough to be compared to real-time politics. Now many articles have been or will be written comparing the political parties involved to the different houses of Game of Thrones. But in my personal opinion, it’s when you start comparing some characters and their behaviour to our netas that the parallels seem to be closer than one would have imagined. The stories might not intertwine or follow the same script but by the old gods and the new, these leaders almost perfectly resemble some of the characters and their behaviour- (Mild spoilers ahead, in case you haven’t seen ALL the seasons/read all the books, and in case you haven’t seen or read anything GoT, what the fuck have you been doing?!)-


Raj Thackeray = Stannis Baratheon

Sample this-An estranged member of a renowned ruling family who is ambitious and powerful in his own right, revolts against his brother, claims himself the rightful heir to the throne, starts following some really extreme weird ideologies, becomes powerful enough to become a formidable force for his enemies to start worrying, becomes over-ambitious attacks and is defeated and has almost completely lost his army. He is very stubborn and refuses to ally with anyone. It seems like even though he could make a good leader, just always lets his ego get the better of him.

Raj Thackeray is in a similar situation Stannis Baratheon (the elder brother of Robert Baratheon) was at the end of Season 2 after the battle of Blackwater. He was utterly destroyed and at the brink of falling into irrelevance. However, Stannis managed to get back on his feet by the end of season 4 and looked into a completely different direction for his path to the iron throne. He has the extremely weirdly hot Melisandre- an evil powerful woman with her own intentions and a priestess of the mysterious Lord of Light –who seems to be helping him. Plus, it also helps that his dedicated and righteous right hand man- Davos Seaworth manages to convince the Iron Bank of Braavos to bankroll his revival. Stannis himself now seems to be aware of what he is doing and is more dedicated and even more determined.

Now, let me admit that am a big fan of Raj and his decisive no bull shit attitude and also his clarity of thought on many issues. Plus, add to the fact that he is undoubtedly the best and the most mesmerizing orator in Maharashtra and arguably India, means he can pretty much achieve whatever he wants to. He has the wits of Tyrion Lannister (Don’t worry, not even one person in this list is the true equivalent of the awesome Imp…that distinction would belong to me if I had entered politics :P) and popularity which Stannis can never hope to have. He showed a lot of promise in 2009 and no new party had such a big impact of politics ever as the MNS did back then. However, what I don’t like about him, is that although he has learnt oratorical and presentation skills from his Late Great Uncle, he seems to have not learnt how to keep his ego aside. He must learn to tone down his ego and also the sectarian politics a little bit, if he really wants to capture hearts. He doesn’t need to be another clone of the Shiv Sena. He can be something far bigger and better if he chooses to be. Either that, or the sun will finally set on him and the MNS. Remember, the Night is dark and full of terrors…

Uddhav Thackeray= Rob Stark

Yes Yes, I know if Raj belongs to the Baratheon clan then how can Uddhav be of a different clan. But as I said, this list is about how leaders suit the characters, not the storyline. And in terms of characters, Rob Stark suits Uddhav the best.

A son who finds himself in the thick of things after the death of his great father, he gradually but surely steps up to the occasion and actually even when nobody expects him to, starts doing really well. He succeeds at most battles when nobody is giving him a chance. However, Uddhav might do well to watch the episode where the ever so wise Tywin Lannister says how Rob Stark never lost a battle but in the end was defeated.

Uddhav has admittedly done well, although no one expects him to scale the heights the great Balasaheb did, he has achieved a good number of seats in Loksabha and the state elections- Evoking his father’s memory as and when was needed and using his inherent organizational and administrative skills. But just like Rob Stark, many doubt whether, even though being a good guy in general, whether he is capable of actually ruling over the people. I for one, don’t believe he has the certain street-smart cunning that a good leader needs to have. A good leader also needs to be ruthless and willing to take hard decisions at times. Mere courage is not everything, you need a sharp, tactical mind too.  He appears to have become a bit complacent just like Rob had and although he is in a good position right now, let’s hope he doesn’t make the same mistakes Rob did.

But I think until and unless the Congress/NCP are planning to have some kind of a suspicious wedding he doesn’t have anything to worry about.

The Gandhi/Nehru Clan= The Lannisters

Ha ha..this should be the least surprising entry on the list. A rich powerful family of douchebags who would do anything and I mean anything to stay in power. They have had some good leaders in the past but being rich and powerful are the only two things that interest them (also incest, but let’s not go there). Well if you think I lied when I said that I am not going to compare parties to houses, you have got to excuse me here, because this one is just so easily done. Here take a look-

Cersei Lannister definitely = Sonia Gandhi- a cold, calculating, intelligent mother and de facto queen at times, who would do anything for all her children and most of all, can see absolutely nothing wrong with her son- Joffrrey. A spoiled brat and easily the most hated and vile character in GoT. Although I must admit Rahul isn’t even remotely capable of being this evil. That honour of a shamelessly evil, bloodsucking, talentless heir to a throne goes to Ajit Pawar. Rahul’s intelligence is more on par with Hodor-

 but he is definitely as annoying and as much spoiled by his mother's love as Joffrey. In his mind, he thinks that he is the rightful heir to the throne, while all we see is -

Anyways, but thankfully the Gandhi Clans influence is on the wane now unlike the Lannisters so far. But we have got to see, because also unlike the stories- a Gandhi always makes you pay their debts.

Narendra Modi/BJP= Daenerys Targeryan-

As opposed to the above, I admit this is the least similar comparison and not just because Emilia Clarke is infinitely way hotter than Modi -

Mother of Dragons indeed...she doesn't need fire breath to burn through you

But also because Daenerys is part of a once powerful Targeryan family which controlled all of the empire for centuries but was completely shattered when Robert Baratheon usurped the throne. Then again, let me explain. Here are the similarities- a leader gradually rises out of nowhere belonging to a power which till recently everybody had written off as not even a threat. The leader through his decisive organizational skills and natural charm manages to not only create ripples but also conquer large chunks of territory, sometimes by merely walking into one. He is heralded as a saviour of sorts by the mass majority of people tired of petty politics. Also, Amit Shah just like one of Dany’s dragons, is someone Modi unleashes when in need. His marketing spreads like fire and who has a skin tougher than dragons when it comes to negotiations.

 Even though you won’t ever hear Modi, blatantly saying something like “They can either live in my new world or die in their old one” But that is what is aggressive and dominating though game-changing politics seem to be saying.

Although Daenerys hasn’t quite invaded Westeros yet, Modi invaded Maharashteros and was largely successful, yet not completely, as I think the young Dany will surely discover later in the story, you can be ever so powerful but you can’t control everything by threat and mere strong intention.

Real power comes from being behind the scenes sometimes. It takes a special amount of evil cunning and a willingness to go against anything and anyone…to bend every possible principle as and when it’s good to do so. And as we have recently discovered in Game of Thrones, that there was only one guy who was willing to go to any lengths to be in power-

Sharad Pawar = Lord Baelish (Littlefinger)

Chaos isn't a pit. Chaos is a ladder. Many who try to climb it fail and never get to try again. The fall breaks them. And some, are given a chance to climb. They refuse, they cling to the realm or the gods or love. Illusions. Only the ladder is real. The climb is all there is….

The only difference between Baelish and Pawar is that Baelish is a fictional character and hence a bit more dramatic, who would actually go on to say something like this, but read it again and tell me that you don’t believe that deep down in some corner of the dark murky organ that pumps that delirious lust for power in his body that Pawar has for a heart, he really believes  in the above mentioned lines.

Just like Baelish, Pawar will switch alliances before you can spell alliances properly, he will charm, deceive, cajole or fight and do it all without once batting an eyelid. He is the one man who has discovered that a Kingmaker is more powerful than the King. That real power comes not from showing it but by making things happen at all costs. Also like Baelish, he shamelessly uses all things that are convenient to cementing his position. He will declare himself, a farmer when supporting farmers, an industrialist when supporting industries, a patron of arts and sports when it suits him, a Hindu when it suits him, a proud Maharashtrian when it’s appropriate, a supporter of secularism and crusader against sectarianism when it isn’t. Also, don’t forget the caste-ism. The kind of open hatred he reserves for Brahmins while himself belonging to an upper caste, owning so much land that one could solve any malnourishment problems in Maharashtra by selling it and marrying his daughter off to one, is just some marvelous hypocrisy at work. He also likes pretending to champion the cause of minority empowerment without actually doing anything constructive for it. Everybody knows how corrupt he is but nobody can do anything about it. Time and again, he manages to get away with so many things that would have others sinking quicker than in quicksand.

This is because unlike Baelish, Pawar does have some redeeming qualities. In some ways, if I had to compare him to another TV character, he shows a few traits of Walter White (Breaking Bad), in terms of how a genius can slowly go crazy for power. Pawar has done some good things for Maharashteros, he has brought some development to his pet regions, and is a proud Maharashtrian none-the-less. He is still the sole Marathi Manoos after his mentor - the great Yashwantrao Chavan- who seemed capable of being the Prime Minister some day. But in my opinion, power has got him, corrupted him to such an extent that now he can't see anything beyond cementing his power locally. 
He seems to have so many things going on behind the scenes that even Chanakya would look at Pawar and say-'Dude, that's just way too much'. It's not even about money for him now, there is only so much you can accumulate before you start getting bored. Nothing matters for him now, no family, no honor, no titles, nothing. Its almost like a game for him now. A Game of...

Dictators, Morons and Cry-babies

“You know why this is the worst prison in the world….Hope…Over the years, many have tried to escape but failed miserably…you see without hope there cannot be true despair..”

-          Bane

In case you haven’t seen the movie, (I am holding myself from damning you to hell), but still just in case you haven’t seen the movie, the scene refers to a prison where Bane was himself incarcerated for majority of his life (perhaps even born there) and where he has now imprisoned Bruce Wayne to break the latter’s spirit. The prison is an underground dark pit…but it’s peculiar point is a hole about the size of a well right in its centre…which gives light and well…hope for escape. One can see the light…the sky…there are crevices in the wall from which one can dream of climbing through…but it’s a life threatening climb that looks just easy enough to do…but of course isn’t. That’s the worst thing isn’t it…if one has resigned himself to Destiny…if one has given up all hope, he is free…free from the burden of effort…of trying…of struggle. But as long as there is something that keeps feeding you a hint of an opportunity, it will continue to tease you by that mere possibility…by trying to gasp that little chance of escape to a better life.

In a movie so blatantly laden with themes of democracy, citizen’s revolution and personality cults, many would not equate this famous prison scene from The Dark Knight Rises to be an ideal description of democracy…but this scene almost quite sums up my philosophical views on the Indian democracy. I said philosophical because even though political ideology involves philosophical influences to a large extent, politics has always had an engaging affair with practicality that philosophy sometimes steers clear of.

As I have always made clear, my views of Indian politics, have veered from true democracy to socialism to autocracy and anarchy, (yes, anarchy even before the Joker and V for Vendetta made it super cool). Now, before you start accusing me of just not being firm on my beliefs…well what the fuck is the point if your beliefs don’t evolve over the years…each and every great thinker, leader, politician etc. has gone through a phase to settle on framing their own ideas…to stick to one set of ideas all your life is an insult to human evolution.  However, that’s not to say that you can change your principles as and when it suits you….(only politicians get to do that) but what I believe is that your core principles do remain the same and though you might commit to different ideas in public…there are core ideas which you believe are true no matter what and they will influence your life after a certain age. According to the Indian govt. (and most governments world over), an individual supposedly achieves that at age 18. As though a switch is magically switched on and people suddenly start knowing who is better at framing their tax policy at the same age when the only two things that matter (at least to guys) are…..

Although, philosophical ramblings apart, I do agree that we have to set a barrier to allow people to participate in democracy, but as I have made clear in my previous article….since when did age become the only determining factor…what about literacy and education (not the same thing)…so currently my views have evolved on Meritocracy. And I believe, I will settle at that…it involves all my core ideas…equal opportunity…Intelligence…distribution of power and ensuring morons aren’t in-charge.

Speaking of morons, as to how our democracy resembles Bane’s prison…well, it offers people a false hope…a chance for change…by permitting anybody to participate in its governing process. However by allowing seamless participation it’s allowed all kinds of assholes to enter into positions of power by the only merit of being born in the right family and/or using their caste/money to be popular amongst a section of people, which has seriously eroded our standards of governance. Although, popularity is seldom a mark of efficiency and in politics, one man’s hero will always be the other man’s villain…after probably the first generation of politicians who were also freedom fighters of some sort… no other politician has enjoyed uniform acceptability in India. And those in power will always remain in power, they will never let the poor truly develop or never let the backward caste ever rise of the backwardness…they will sprout all kinds of pseudo-ideologies and stir up names of great leaders as and when needed to merely achieve the goal of being in power. Corruption will give birth to corruption. Casteism will give birth to casteism. But for the sole reason that we are a ‘democracy’ and still have a relatively fair election process that the people are not down in the streets going all ‘french revolution’ over their ass.

 

I bet the french have some unnecessarily long but romantic sounding word for this too...

This is how down in the dumps our system currently is…although I have written about electoral reforms and etc. before (which you can read here) I won’t go too deep into what the problems are.

But as Balasaheb Thackeray has once said, “Democracy in India is a guise under which the corrupt hide their sins”. And he couldn’t be more right.

However, coming to terms with practicality, since we all are stuck in Bane’s prison…we have to grab whatever chance…no matter how difficult or life-threatening it is…to lift ourselves into a better society. This is the thing about democracy again…Bane’s prison provides at least a chance…even if one in a million…an autocracy (like China) or a confused theocratic ‘democracy’ (yes am talking about the religiously extremist piece of shit failed state-Pakistan) does not. So time to take the chance…but like Bruce Wayne learns to do in the movie, he has to go without a safety rope…without a cushion of falling safely to go through. Fear of death…fear of failing is what drives him to make that epic final jump successfully.

What drove me to come back to this blog after a year…well, elections!... to be specific…and also finally doing 4 rounds in a period of 3 months to get my name enlisted in the voter’s list. OK before you go on, I came to Pune from Aurangabad right about age 19 and since, middle-class people have it harder than Bangladeshi illegal immigrants to get themselves registered, I couldn’t get it done until 7 years later. Not that I tried really hard before…it’s just that I was 19 and I had better things to worry about... 

Anyways, since the country is in a mood for change…I decided that this is the right time to get registered. Even though the only original reason I wanted to get registered was to merely exercise my right to give a middle finger to the system i.e. select the None Of The Above option (NOTA)…but there seems to be some hope on the streets.

Yes of course am talking about Modi and BJP, not that am a really big fan of him nor really a big fan of the BJP. But even as a 10 year old, I couldn’t bring it in my mind to support congress. And forget my own personal preferences, no matter how kattar a Congress supporter you are…let’s face it…they have done a real shit job in the past 10 years…all the scandals and populist schemes apart, the worst being having an impotent, uncharismatic PM who cant even move facial muscles rather than an entire country. 

Not that BJP is the epitome of good governance or something…but hey let’s have a change at least for the heck of it. At least have some new scam-sters in place. Who knows they might get two-three things done in a better way than others. At least they seem to have some idea of where they are going. Unlike you know who

Besides, for those pseudo-liberals who think they are being so different and cool by pointing out that Modi hasn’t really done all the things he has said well…even if he has done two things like completing the Kutch irrigation canal and improving the city of Ahmedabad…that still is two more things than Congress did. Also, for the sake of practicality…if you are criticizing anything…a) you should be the one actually doing something about it or b) you should have a better option/comparison to offer. I agree things aren’t ideal etc etc…well here is a secret…I ideally want to have a three some with Malaika Arora and Monica Belluci…ideal yes…practical…fucking no…get the point?

As Rahul Gandhi’s rape on national television in that infamous interview by Arnab has proved, he is definitely NOT an option. 

And even before you mention AAP, Kejriwal may have ran away again. They call Modi a dictator, well Kejriwal is a cry-baby in comparison. Not efficient enough to be dictator, not calm enough to have at least a little childish charm like our little Prince.  Sure you can be a CM and sit on dharna…just the same way you can be a CEO and go on strike against your employees. But the fact is you CAN do it if you want to…just that if they weren’t listening to you in the first place no way as hell they are gonna listen to you now. Kejriwal is actually more of an embodiment of Bane’s ideas to torture Gotham…poison the people with hope and then take it all away suddenly. 

But anyways, lest this sound like another Modi advertisement…(really annoyed with all of those btw), I don’t really adore him as the perfect leader either (I reserve that title only for myself). His speeches are awful, he has been trying to create a one man personality cult around himself rather than project the ideas of the party. But that’s about it. He at least appears as though he could do something. Personally (and I think I speak for most people’s sentiments) I hate Congress more than I like Modi. No wonder people who haven’t earlier been on-board with the whole Sangh Parivar parties are now at least wondering about giving them another chance. They didn’t really do that bad during Vajpayee’s time if you ask me. But then to each his own, personally I would choose an efficient dictator over a cry baby or a bumbling moron anytime.

Moral of the story is…you HAVE to choose someone…even if its NOTA. Don’t lose out on the opportunity to make a difference. Please do vote for any goddamn party you want. But do exercise your right. Even if imperfect, currently it is the only option we have. Go ahead…Take a Leap of Faith.

And as South Park once said “Democracy sometimes means having to choose between a douche and a turd..” Your Choice.